whoever's angry, loses.

I don't know how not to feel angry about my maid. I don't know how to manage my anger. I guess it is now a war of either i am unhappy, or she is. as much as i want to make her happy. but the other half of me thinking that she is not worth it. but i thought i want to break away from this  vicious circle and be compassionate. But I guess at the end of the day my heart is not big enough.

she said she like to eat carbonara. mentioned a few times. today i thought i would made for her, since she will be going in 2 weeks time. and while me cooking there is a little episode. She cleans the cooking area in the midst of me cooking. i hated it. screamed at her. then later she refused to eat the spagetti. leaving a big left over. we are actually not a fan of milky noodles.

ask us to bring her to buy punjabi suit again. one end would like to bring her, and make her happy. on the other hand i thought, why should i? 

now she is watch tv with the rest of the ppl in the house. laughing the loudest. and i am here blogging angrily.

who is on the losing end?! I really don't have mood to watch tv.

Do Nothing, can I?

I don't get dreams of scolding my maid these days. But I still have voices in my head every now n then of things i want to instruct her but never get out of my mouth. I want to tell her this n that. do it this way n that way. However I know it will be a waisted effort. She will be going in one month's time. Furthermore I cannot stand anymore black face. How can i not let this negative energy affects me? 

She cont. to have a grumpy outlook and black face, regardless of my above effort. That puts me off. and i wonder what else can i do?! Perhaps I can do nothing. What should I do to counter this negative vibes? To care? I don't have that much of metta (loving kindness). Currently I actually just give up. I don't want to ask or know what she does. Just hoping that my new maid can come sooner and I can start a fresh chapter. But it seems I can't run away like this. I indeed cannot -ignore of what she is doing. as much as i wish it can reduce me suffering. I really have to find ways to deal with it. to deal with my weaknesses in such area.

Dear Buddha, the mightly dhamma teaching, can u show me the way? 

Just Do it!

I ve been getting constant dreams scolding my maids. Mummy M suggested i need an outlet. She understands why i am unable to scold her in real life. But I need an outlet to all my negative thoughts. So here comes this blog to balance out my emotions. Let me get my gears n engine set. Now that i have to get my unhappiness out of my system. I am never very good at doing this. So this will be a good practise.